Mother of Four

The other day I was writing a review about a children's poetry book and used the words homeschooling mother of four to describe myself.

Four little words, and yet I stumbled over them and felt like it must be a stranger at the keyboard.

How can it be?

Me? A mother of four...and a homeschooling one at that?

I might be old enough for this (although my mind hasn't wrapped itself around the number 33 yet) but I am certainly not...well, mature enough!

Mothers of four are composed and wise. They have learned what to stress over and what not to. They can discern what to discipline for and what not to. They know what to affirm in their children and what not to.

Me? I fly by the seat of my pants.

Every single day.

I may have be on my fourth child, but I still don't have this whole elusive thing called sleep training figured out. Therefore, if Finley sleeps through the night (which he does occasionally!) great, but if he wakes up? I feed him, and most of the time we end up falling back to sleep together.

Need advice on potty training? Don't ask me! Just because I have four children does not mean I know how to potty-train! In fact, I am still not sure how it's done (although I don't think it has as much to do with m & m's as I once thought...) so it remains a mystery and a miracle to me that three of mine have grasped the concept!

And as far as this whole homeschooling thing goes?

Well, just because I have two in school does not mean I know what I am doing! I get worried when my third grader does not know her times-three multiplication facts, only to discover that her third grade math says this is a "new" concept for today!

And no, a homeschooling mother of four should not need to scratch her head and start naming off all the continents when her son asks her where Saudi Arabia is!

Things are definitely not going how I thought they should go for a mother of four, so I have one question: how many years of motherhood will it take to make me a veteran?

I have certainly fought enough battles over eating what's on your plate & getting your hair clean in the shower, mopped up my share of blood, poo and vomit, put enough loads of laundry through the washer to sink a large cruise ship, and done penance in the car for daring to put my screaming infant in his carseat.

So...uh...pardon my ignorance? But when do I get my Badge of Perfection?

When will the person across the isle at Walmart see The Perfect Mother of Four instead of a harried woman carrying a wailing infant and losing track of her three-year-old?

(And on top of it all? She has store-bought bread in her cart!!!)

One of the things that drives me crazy these days (and it must be one of many, because my hair is turning white!!!) is that my mind keeps telling me that there are mothers out there who are doing it all, perfectly, and that I have just not arrived yet.

Apparently that smooth sailing vessel with the name PERFECTION on it's bow has sailed without me.

You might look at me and think you see a Mother of Four that has it all together, all nice and tidy in the nursery on Sunday with my nylons on, but come over Monday morning and you'll see my cracked heals while I flip-flop around yelling over who hid the phone, and you'll know better.

Nope, that ship sailed without me, and no number of tidy chore charts, clean kitchen floors and home-baked bread is going to bring it back.

So, that's me, Mother of Four, standing on the shore and watching it pull harbor.

"Hey! Wait for me! If I do more art projects with my children or learn to get to bed on time will you come back?"

"How about if I can applesauce with my children without losing my patience?"

Nope. No more tickets for sale.

This is a sad thought, and a desolate one.

If there is no such thing as perfection for me, will there be something that is called enough?

I am bent low with the question when I spy something bobbing along the shore.

How could I have missed it?

For today.

For tomorrow.

For this Mother of Four.

There is a boatload of grace, just for me.

"He will feed his flock like a shepherd, 

he will gather the lambs in his arm, 

and carry them in his bosom, 

and will gently lead those that have their young."

Isaiah 40:11